This post may contain affiliate links which means I may receive a commission for purchases made through links.
HOW MEN EXPERIENCE SHAME
Men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.
For men, every rule comes back to the same mandate: “Don’t be weak.”
“CAUTION: Do Not Be Perceived as Weak.” I see how boys are issued a crate when they’re born. It’s not too crowded when they’re toddlers. They’re still small and can move around a bit. They can cry and hold on to mamma, but as they grow older, there’s less and less wiggle room. By the time they’re grown men, it’s suffocating.
As scarcity has grabbed hold of our culture, it’s not just “Don’t be perceived as weak,” but also “You better
be great and all powerful.”
men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.
Joe Reynolds: “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”
Covert shame hurts just as much as overt shame.
I don’t want to oversimplify something as complex as the response to shame, but I have to say that when it comes to men, there seem to be two primary responses: pissed off or shut down.
Of course, like women, as men develop shame resilience, this changes, and men learn to respond to shame with awareness, self-compassion, and empathy. But without that awareness, when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness, they normally respond with anger and/or by completely turning off.
Many men, in fact, use very physiological descriptions when they talk to me about “pissed off or
shut down.” It’s almost as if shame, criticism, and ridicule are physically intolerable.
Shame resilience is about finding a middle path, an option that allows us to stay engaged and
to find the emotional courage we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values.
We are hard on others because we’re hard on ourselves. That’s exactly how judgment works. Finding someone to put down, judge, or criticize becomes a way to get out of the web or call attention away from our box. If you’re doing worse than I am at something, I think, my chances of surviving are better.
The big rule in lifeguarding is to utilize any means possible before you actually jump in and try to pull someone out of the water. Even though you’re a strong swimmer and the person you’re trying to help is half your size, a desperate person will do anything to save themselves—to grab a breath—including drowning you in their effort to survive. The same is true for women and the shame web. We’re so desperate to get out and stay out of shame that we’re constantly serving up the people around us as more deserving prey.
research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks
who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.