Tag: Shame

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p11

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research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.

If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.

children who are engaging in the bullying behaviors or vying for social ranking by putting down others have parents who engage in the same behaviors.

Cultivating intimacy—physical or emotional—is almost impossible when our shame triggers meet head-on and create the perfect shame storm.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 💖💖💖

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged and healed.

But in practicing self-love over the past couple of years, I can say that it has immeasurably deepened my relationships with the people I love.

Shame is universal, but the messages and expectations that drive shame are organized by gender.

The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.

If we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

💖🌹 Dare 🌹💖

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p10

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HOW MEN EXPERIENCE SHAME

Men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.

For men, every rule comes back to the same mandate: “Don’t be weak.”

“CAUTION: Do Not Be Perceived as Weak.” I see how boys are issued a crate when they’re born. It’s not too crowded when they’re toddlers. They’re still small and can move around a bit. They can cry and hold on to mamma, but as they grow older, there’s less and less wiggle room. By the time they’re grown men, it’s suffocating.

As scarcity has grabbed hold of our culture, it’s not just “Don’t be perceived as weak,” but also “You better
be great and all powerful.”

men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.

Joe Reynolds: “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”

Covert shame hurts just as much as overt shame.

I don’t want to oversimplify something as complex as the response to shame, but I have to say that when it comes to men, there seem to be two primary responses: pissed off or shut down.

Of course, like women, as men develop shame resilience, this changes, and men learn to respond to shame with awareness, self-compassion, and empathy. But without that awareness, when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness, they normally respond with anger and/or by completely turning off.

Many men, in fact, use very physiological descriptions when they talk to me about “pissed off or
shut down.” It’s almost as if shame, criticism, and ridicule are physically intolerable.

Shame resilience is about finding a middle path, an option that allows us to stay engaged and
to find the emotional courage we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values.

We are hard on others because we’re hard on ourselves. That’s exactly how judgment works. Finding someone to put down, judge, or criticize becomes a way to get out of the web or call attention away from our box. If you’re doing worse than I am at something, I think, my chances of surviving are better.

The big rule in lifeguarding is to utilize any means possible before you actually jump in and try to pull someone out of the water. Even though you’re a strong swimmer and the person you’re trying to help is half your size, a desperate person will do anything to save themselves—to grab a breath—including drowning you in their effort to survive. The same is true for women and the shame web. We’re so desperate to get out and stay out of shame that we’re constantly serving up the people around us as more deserving prey.

research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks
who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p9

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WEBS AND BOXES:

HOW MEN AND WOMEN EXPERIENCE SHAME DIFFERENTLY

Men and women are equally affected by shame. The messages and expectations that fuel shame are most definitely organized by gender, but the experience of shame is universal and deeply human.

WOMEN AND THE SHAME WEB

Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming.

Being exposed—the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.

No matter what I achieve or how far I’ve come, where I come from and what I’ve survived will always keep me from feeling like I’m good enough.
Even though everyone knows that there’s no way to do it all, everyone still expects it. Shame is when you can’t pull off looking like it’s under control.
Never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed.
Never enough with my parents. Shame is never enough.
No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.

If you recall the twelve shame categories (appearance and body image, money and work, motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging, religion, surviving trauma, and being stereotyped or labeled), the primary trigger for women, in terms of its power
and universality, is the first one: how we look.

Interestingly, in terms of shame triggers for women, motherhood is a close second. And (bonus!) you don’t have to be a mother to experience mother shame. Society views womanhood and motherhood as inextricably bound; therefore our value as women is often determined by where we are in relation to our roles as mothers or potential mothers. Mother shame is ubiquitous—it’s a birthright for girls and women.

Think about how much money has been made selling products that promise “the natural look.”

When I think of my own efforts to be everything to everyone—something that women are socialized to do—I can see how every move I make just ensnares me even more. Every effort to twist my way out of the web just leads to becoming more stuck. That’s because every choice has consequences or leads to someone being disappointed.

Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings, but say what’s on your mind. Don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.

😞😞😞

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p7

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UNTANGLING SHAME, GUILT, HUMILIATION, AND EMBARRASSMENT

Guilt = I did something bad.

Shame = I am bad.

When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.

When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force.

Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.

Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.

In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the
solution.
Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. 💖

When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.

Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.”

Humiliation feels terrible and makes for a miserable work or home environment—and if it’s ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is, however, still better than shame.

The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don’t feel alone. We know other folks have done the same thing and, like a blush, it will pass rather than define us.

Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is part of the first element of what I call shame resilience.

Achieve growth