Tag: readin

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p11

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research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.

If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.

children who are engaging in the bullying behaviors or vying for social ranking by putting down others have parents who engage in the same behaviors.

Cultivating intimacy—physical or emotional—is almost impossible when our shame triggers meet head-on and create the perfect shame storm.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 💖💖💖

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged and healed.

But in practicing self-love over the past couple of years, I can say that it has immeasurably deepened my relationships with the people I love.

Shame is universal, but the messages and expectations that drive shame are organized by gender.

The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.

If we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

💖🌹 Dare 🌹💖

Book Summary: Eat That Frog

As an amazon associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Eat That Frog!

21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More

Done in Less Time

Brian Tracy

Introduction: Eat That Frog

  • The Need to Be Selective
  • The Truth about Frogs
    • Your “frog” is your biggest, most important task, the one you are most likely to procrastinate on if you don’t do something about it.
    • If you have to eat a live frog at all, it doesn’t pay to sit and look at it for very long.
  • Take Action Immediately
  • Develop the Habits of Success
  • Develop a Positive Addiction
  • No Shortcuts
    • “Practice, man, practice.”
    • Practice is the key to mastering any skill.
  • The Three Ds of New Habit Formation
    • Decision
    • Discipline
    • Determination
  • Visualize Yourself as You Want to Be

1 Set the Table

Here is a great rule for success: Think on paper.

Step one: Decide exactly what you want.

Stephen Covey says, “If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall,

every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.”

Step two: Write it down.

Step three: Set a deadline on your goal;

Step four: Make a list of everything you can think of that you are going to have to do to achieve your goal.

Step five: Organize the list into a plan.

Step six: Take action on your plan immediately.

Step seven: Resolve to do something every single day that moves you toward your major goal.

Keep pushing forward. Once you start moving, keep moving. Don’t stop.

The Power of Written Goals

Clear written goals have a wonderful effect on your thinking.

Goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement.

Think about your goals and review them daily.

2 Plan Every Day in Advance

Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now.

ALAN LAKEIN

Alec Mackenzie wrote, “Taking action without thinking things through is a prime source of problems.”

Increase Your Return on Energy

Six-P Formula: “Proper Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance.”

Two Extra Hours per Day

Always work from a list.

Different Lists for Different Purposes

create a master list

Second, a monthly list

Third, a weekly list

Finally, you should transfer items from your monthly and weekly lists onto your daily list.

Planning a Project

Begin today to plan every day, week, and month in advance.

Lay out all of your major goals, projects, and tasks by priority, what is most important, and by sequence, what has to be done first, what comes second, and so forth.

3 Apply the 80/20 Rule to Everything

We always have time enough, if we will but use it aright. JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE

Number of Tasks versus Importance of Tasks

Often, a single task can be worth more than all the other nine items put together.

Focus on Activities, Not Accomplishments

Rule: Resist the temptation to clear up small things first.

The hardest part of any important task is getting started on it in the first place.

Motivate Yourself

Just thinking about starting and finishing an important task motivates you and helps you overcome procrastination.

Time management is really life management, personal management.

4 Consider the Consequences

Every great man has become great, every successful man has succeeded, in proportion as he has confined his powers to one particular channel.

ORISON SWETT MARDEN

Rule: Long-term thinking improves short-term decision making.

Make Better Decisions about Time

Rule: Future intent influences and often determines present actions.

Think about the Long Term

Motivation requires motive.

Denis Waitley, a motivational speaker, says, “Losers try to escape from their fears and drudgery with activities that are tension-relieving. Winners are motivated by their desires toward activities that are goal-achieving.”

Obey the Law of Forced Efficiency

Rule: There will never be enough time to do everything you have to do.

Deadlines Are an Excuse

Under the pressure of deadlines, often self-created through procrastination, people suffer greater stress, make more mistakes, and have to redo more tasks than under any other conditions.

Three Questions for Maximum Productivity

“What are my highest-value activities?”

“What can I and only I do, that if done well, will make a real difference?”

“What is the most valuable use of my time right now?” In other words, “What is my biggest frog of all at this moment?”

Goethe said, “The things that matter most must never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.”

Goethe: “Only engage, and the mind grows heated.

Begin it, and the work will be completed.”

5 Practice Creative Procrastination

Make time for getting big tasks done every day. Plan your daily workload in advance. Single out the

relatively few small jobs that absolutely must be done immediately in the morning. Then go directly

to the big tasks and pursue them to completion.

BOARDROOM REPORTS

Priorities versus Posteriorities

A priority is something that you do more of and sooner, while a posteriority is something that you do less of and later, if at all.

Rule: You can get your time and your life under control only to the degree to which you discontinue lower-value activities.

One of the most powerful of all words in time management is the word no! Say it politely. Say it clearly so that there are no misunderstandings. Say it regularly as a normal part of your time management vocabulary.

Warren Buffett, one of the richest men in the world, was once asked his

secret of success. He replied, “Simple. I just say no to everything that is not absolutely vital to me at the moment.”

Procrastinate on Purpose

Your job is to deliberately procrastinate on tasks that are of low value so that you have more time for tasks that can make a big difference in your life and work.

Set Posteriorities on Time-Consuming Activities

Cut down on television watching and Internet surfing and instead spend the time with your family, read, exercise, or do something else that enhances the quality of your life.

6 Use the ABCDE Method Continually

The first law of success is concentration—to bend all the energies to one point, and to go directly to

that point, looking neither to the right nor to the left. WILLIAM MATHEWS

Think on Paper

An “A” item is defined as something that is very important, something that you must do.

”Shoulds” versus “Musts”

A “B” item is defined as a task that you should do.

A “C” task is defined as something that would be nice to do but for which there are no consequences at all, whether you do it or not.

A “D” task is defined as something you can delegate to someone else.

An “E” task is defined as something that you can eliminate altogether, and it won’t make any real difference.

Take Action Immediately

Review your work list right now and put an A, B, C, D, or E next to each task or activity. Select your A-1 job or project and begin on it immediately. Discipline yourself to do nothing else until this one job is complete.

7 Focus on Key Result Areas

When every physical and mental resource is focused, one’s power to solve a problem multiplies

tremendously.

NORMAN VINCENT PEALE

The Big Seven in Management and Sales

The key result areas of management are: planning, organizing, staffing, delegating, supervising, measuring, and reporting.

Clarity Is Essential

The starting point of high performance is for you to identify the key result areas of your work.

Give Yourself a Grade

Rule: Your weakest key result area sets the height at which you can use all your other skills and abilities.

Poor Performance Produces Procrastination

identify areas of weakness clearly. Set a goal and make a plan to become very good in each of those areas. Just think! You may be only one critical skill away from top performance at your job.

The Great Question

“What one skill, if I developed and did it in an excellent fashion, would have the greatest positive impact on my career?”

8 Apply the Law of Three

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. THEODORE ROOSEVELT

One Thing All Day Long

“If I could do only one thing all day long, which one task would contribute the greatest value to my career?”

Time Management Is a Means to an End

  • Fully 85 percent of your happiness in life will come from happy relationships with other people
  • Rule: It is the quality of time at work that counts and the quantity of time at home that matters.

Work All the Time You Work

  • To keep your life in balance, you should resolve to work all the time you work.

Balance Is Not Optional

  • “Moderation in all things.” You need balance between your work and your personal life.

9 Prepare Thoroughly Before You Begin

No matter what the level of your ability, you have more potential than you can ever develop in a lifetime. JAMES T. MCCAY

Create a Comfortable Workspace

  • The most productive people take the time to create a work area where they enjoy spending time.

Launch toward Your Dreams

  • Wayne Gretzky: You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.

10 Take It One Oil Barrel at a Time

Persons with comparatively moderate powers will accomplish much, if they apply themselves wholly and indefatigably to one thing at a time. SAMUEL SMILES

Take It One Step at a Time

  • “Leap—and the net will appear!”
  • Lao-tzu wrote: “A journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step.”

11 Upgrade Your Key Skills

The only certain means of success is to render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be. OG MANDINO

  • A major reason for procrastination is a feeling of inadequacy, a lack of confidence, or an inability in a key area of a task.

Never Stop Learning

  • One of the most helpful of all time management techniques is for you to get better at your key tasks.
  • Rule: Continuous learning is the minimum requirement for success in any field.

Three Steps to Mastery

First, read in your field for at least one hour every day.

Second, take every course and seminar available on the key skills that can help you.

Third, listen to audio programs in your car.

The more you learn, the more you can learn.

12 Identify Your Key Constraints

Concentrate all your thoughts on the task at hand.

The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL

Identify the Limiting Factor

The 80/20 Rule Applied to Constraints

80 percent of the constraints, the factors that are holding you back from achieving your goals, are internal. They are within yourself…

Only 20 percent of the limiting factors are external to you…

Look into Yourself

Successful people always begin the analysis of constraints by asking the question, “What is it in me that is holding me back?”

Strive for Accuracy

take action immediately. Do something. Do anything, but get started.

13 Put the Pressure on Yourself

The first requisite for success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one

problem incessantly without growing weary. THOMAS EDISON

Lead the Field

See yourself as a role model. Raise the bar on yourself.

Make a game of starting a little earlier, working a little harder, and staying a little later.

Create Imaginary Deadlines

One of the best ways for you to overcome procrastination and get more things done faster is by working as though you had only one day to get your most important jobs done.

Successful people continually put the pressure on themselves to perform at high levels. Unsuccessful people have to be instructed and pressured by others.

Create your own “forcing system.”

14 Motivate Yourself into Action

It is in the compelling zest of high adventure and of victory, and of creative action that man finds

his supreme joys. ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPÉRY

Most of your emotions, positive or negative, are determined by how you talk to yourself on a minute-to-minute basis.

Control Your Inner Dialogue

You should talk to yourself positively all the time to boost your self-esteem.

Viktor Frankl: “The last of the human freedoms [is] to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

Ed Foreman says, “You should never share your problems with others because 80 percent of people don’t care about them anyway, and the other 20 percent are kind of glad that you’ve got them in the first place.”

Develop a Positive Mental Attitude

Optimistic people seem to be more effective in almost every area of life.  optimists have four special behaviors, all learned through practice and repetition. First, optimists look for the good in every situation.

Second, optimists always seek the valuable lesson in every setback or

difficulty. They believe that “difficulties come not to obstruct but to instruct.” Third, optimists always look for the solution to every problem. Fourth, optimists think and talk continually about their goals.

Control your thoughts. Remember, you become what you think about most of the time.

15 Technology Is a Terrible Master

There is more to life than just increasing its speed.

MOHANDAS GANDHI

You Have a Choice

The key is to keep your relationship with technology under control.

When people are too plugged in, communications technology quickly becomes a destructive addiction.

Don’t Become Addicted

Take Back Your Time

80/20 Rule

Refuse to Be a Slave

Unchain yourself from your computer. Unsubscribe from all unwanted

newsletters.

16 Technology Is a Wonderful Servant

Technology is just a tool. MELINDA GATES

You must discipline yourself to treat technology as a servant, not as a master. The purpose of technology is to make your life smoother and easier, not to create complexity, confusion, and stress.

to get more done of higher value, you have to stop doing things of lower value.

Take Control of Your Communication

Clear your digital workspace as you would your physical desk

But What about Emergencies?

This is an absolutely valid concern. The solution, however, is not to be available to everyone at all times. Create special areas in your digital life for your most important tasks.

Take Control of Your Time

Your calendar makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Never automatically click Accept on a digital invitation.

Take Control of Your Emotions Using Technology

Many people fail to make technology their servant because they fear learning new skills.

Technology is no longer optional; it is just as important as reading, writing, and arithmetic.

17 Focus Your Attention

All of life is the study of attention; where your attention goes, your life follows. JIDDU KRISHNAMURTI

Developing an Addiction

When you start your day with a few shots of dopamine triggered by your e-mail or IM bell going off, you find it extremely difficult to pay close attention to your important tasks for the rest of the day.

The Multitasking Illusion

people can focus only on one thing at a time. What they are really doing is called “task shifting.”

The Proven Solutions

First, don’t check your e-mail in the morning

Second, if you must check your e-mail for any reason, get in and out fast

Finally, resolve to check your e-mail only twice a day

Double Your Productivity

First, plan each day in advance

Second, work nonstop for ninety minutes with no diversion or distraction, and then give yourself a fifteen-minute break.

Third, start again and work another ninety minutes flat out.

Finally, after this three-hour work period, you can then reward yourself with a shot of dopamine by checking your e-mail.

18 Slice and Dice the Task

The beginning of a habit is like an invisible thread, but every time we repeat the act we strengthen the strand, add to it another filament, until it becomes a great cable and binds us irrevocably, in thought and act.

ORISON SWETT MARDEN

Develop a Compulsion to Closure

An important point to remember is that you have deep within you an “urge to completion,” aka “compulsion to closure.” This means that you actually feel happier and more powerful when you start and complete a task of any kind.

“Swiss Cheese” Your Tasks

You “Swiss cheese” a task when you resolve to work for a specific time period on it. This may be as little as five or ten minutes, after which you will stop and do something else.

Become action oriented. A common quality of high performers is that when they hear a good idea, they take action on it immediately. Don’t delay. Try it today!

19 Create Large Chunks of Time

Nothing can add more power to your life than concentrating all of your energies on a limited set

of targets. NIDO QUBEIN

Schedule Blocks of Time

Make work appointments with yourself and then discipline yourself to keep them.

Use a Time Planner

A powerful personal productivity tool: a time planner, broken down by day, hour, and minute and organized in advance.

Make Every Minute Count

Use travel and transition times, what are often called “gifts of time,” to complete small chunks of larger tasks.

Think continually of different ways that you can save, schedule, and consolidate large chunks of time.

20 Develop a Sense of Urgency

Do not wait; the time will never be “just right.”

Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better

tools will be found as you go along. NAPOLEON HILL Highly productive people take the time to think, plan, and set priorities.

Getting into “Flow”

When you work on your most important tasks at a high and continuous level of activity, you can actually enter into an amazing mental state called “flow.”

Trigger High Performance in Yourself

One of the ways you can trigger this state of flow is by developing a sense of urgency. This is an inner drive and desire to get on with the job quickly and get it done fast.

Build Up a Sense of Momentum

When you regularly take continuous action toward your most important goals, you activate the Momentum Principle of Success.

Do It Now!

One of the simplest and yet most powerful ways to get yourself started is to repeat the words “Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” over and over to yourself.

When you see an opportunity or a problem, take action on it immediately.

21 Single Handle Every Task

Herein lies the secret of true power. Learn, by constant practice, how to husband your resources,

and to concentrate them at any given moment upon a given point. JAMES ALLEN

Once You Get Going, Keep Going

Single handling requires that once you begin, you keep working at the task without diversion or distraction until the job is 100 percent complete. You keep urging yourself onward by repeating the words “Back to work!” over and over whenever you are tempted to stop or do something else.

Don’t Waste Time

The truth is that once you have decided on your number one task, anything else that you do other than that is a relative waste of time.

Self-Discipline Is the Key

Elbert Hubbard defined self-discipline as “the ability to make yourself do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not.”

And the key to all of this is for you to determine the most valuable and important thing you could possibly do at every single moment and then Eat That Frog!

Conclusion: Putting It All Together

The key to happiness, satisfaction, great success, and a wonderful feeling of personal power and effectiveness is for you to develop the habit of eating your frog first thing every day when you start work.

Fortunately, this is a learnable skill that you can acquire through repetition.

Here is a summary of the twenty-one great ways to stop procrastinating and get more things done faster.

Set the table: Decide exactly what you want. Clarity is essential. Write out your goals and objectives before you begin.

2. Plan every day in advance: Think on paper. Every minute you spend in planning can save you five or ten minutes in execution.

3. Apply the 80/20 Rule to everything: Twenty percent of your activities will account for 80 percent of your results. Always concentrate your efforts on that top 20 percent.

4. Consider the consequences: Your most important tasks and priorities are those that can have the most serious consequences, positive or negative, on your life or work. Focus on these above all else.

5. Practice creative procrastination: Since you can’t do everything, you must learn to deliberately put off those tasks that are of low value so that you have enough time to do the few things that really count.

6. Use the ABCDE Method continually: Before you begin work on a list of tasks, take a few moments to organize them by value and priority so you can be sure of working on your most important activities.

7. Focus on key result areas: Identify those results that you absolutely, positively have to get to do your job well, and work on them all day long.

8. Apply the Law of Three: Identify the three things you do in your work that account for 90 percent of your contribution, and focus on getting them done before anything else. You will then have more time for your family and personal life.

9. Prepare thoroughly before you begin: Have everything you need at hand before you start. Assemble all the papers, information, tools, work materials, and numbers you might require so that you can get started and keep going.

10. Take it one oil barrel at a time: You can accomplish the biggest and most complicated job if you just complete it one step at a time.

11. Upgrade your key skills: The more knowledgeable and skilled you become at your key tasks, the faster you start them and the sooner you get them done. Determine exactly what it is that you are very good at doing, or could be very good at, and throw your whole heart into doing those specific things very, very well.

12. Identify your key constraints: Determine the bottlenecks or choke points, internal or external, that set the speed at which you achieve your most important goals, and focus on alleviating them.

13. Put the pressure on yourself: Imagine that you have to leave town for a month, and work as if you had to get your major task completed before you left.

14. Motivate yourself into action: Be your own cheerleader. Look for the good in every situation. Focus on the solution rather than the problem. Always be optimistic and constructive.

15. Technology is a terrible master: Take back your time from enslaving technological addictions. Learn to often turn devices off and leave them off.

16. Technology is a wonderful servant: Use your technological tools to confront yourself with what is most important and protect yourself from what is least important.

17. Focus your attention: Stop the interruptions and distractions that interfere with completing your most important tasks.

18. Slice and dice the task: Break large, complex tasks down into bite-sized pieces, and then do just one small part of the task to get started.

19. Create large chunks of time: Organize your days around large blocks of time so you can concentrate for extended periods on your most important tasks.

20. Develop a sense of urgency: Make a habit of moving fast on your key tasks. Become known as a person who does things quickly and well.

21. Single handle every task: Set clear priorities, start immediately on your most important task, and then work without stopping until the job is 100 percent complete. This is the real key to high performance and maximum personal productivity.

Make a decision to practice these principles every day until they become second nature to you.

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Book Summary: How to talk to anyone

As an amazon associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Technique #1

The Flooding Smile

•Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other persons face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.

Technique #2

Sticky Eyes

•Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partners with sticky

warm taffy. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished

speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly,

stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks.

Technique #3

Epoxy Eyes

•This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target

person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep

looking at the man or woman you want to impact.

Technique #4

Hang by Your Teeth

•Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door

you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it

swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every

muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.

Technique #5

The Big-Baby Pivot

•Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of

you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile,

the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke

who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and

beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person

shouts I think you are very, very special.

Technique #6

Hello Old Friend

•When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old

customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for).

How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy macerel,

now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your

long-lost old friend!

Technique #7

Limit the Fidget

•Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear

tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or

scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions

near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling your

fibbing.

***

Technique #8

•Hanss Horse Sense

•Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself,

but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying.

Then plan your moves accordingly.

***

Technique #9

Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene

•Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE

yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands,

smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself

chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are

in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself

a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.

***

Technique #10

Make a Mood Match

•Before opening your mouth, take a voice sample of your listener to

detect his or her state of mind. Take a psychic photograph of the expression

to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to

bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice

tone, if only for a moment.

***

Technique #11

Prosaic with Passion

•Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your

listeners impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost

anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an

empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you

sound exciting.

***

Technique #12

Always Wear a Whatzit

•Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to

give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room

an excuse to approach. Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your . . . what

IS that?

***

Technique #13

Whoozat

•Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nopoliticians) meeting people

device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the

introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into

icebreakers.

***

Technique #14

Eavesdrop In

•No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind

the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any

flimsy excuse and jump in with Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. . . .

Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it?

Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!

***

Technique #15

Never the Naked City

•Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, And where are you from?

never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word

answer.

Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational

partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in

response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.

***

Technique #16

Never the Naked Job

•When asked the inevitable And what do you do, you may think I’m an

economist/an educator/an engineer is giving enough information to

engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist,

educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying I’m a

paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.

***

Technique #17

Never the Naked Introduction

•When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand

there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newly mets to flutter their fins

and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of

things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking

opportunity.

***

Technique #18

Be a Word Detective

•Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partners every word

for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out.

Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like

Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that’s hot for the other

person.

***

Technique #19

The Swiveling Spotlight

•When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between

you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is

speaking, its shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the

stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about

yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more

interesting he or she finds you.

***

Technique #20

Parroting

•Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few

words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or

her court, and then all you need to do is listen.

***

Technique #21

Encore!

•The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause

is Encore! Encore! Lets hear it again! The sweetest sound your conversation

partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people

is Tell them about the time you . . .

***

Technique #22

Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive

•When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your

skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons

out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship.

But now is the time, as the old song says, to ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and

elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.

***

Technique #23

The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home Without It

•The last move to make before leaving for the party even after you’ve

given yourself final approval in the mirror is to turn on the radio news or

scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material.

***

Technique #24

What Do You Do NOT!

•A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the

question, “What do you do?”

***

Technique #25

The Nutshell résumé

•Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written résumé off

their printers for each position they’re applying for, let a different true story

about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener.

***

Technique #26

Your Personal Thesaurus

•Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then,

like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few

new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent

replacements.

***

Technique #27

Kill the Quick Me, Too!

•Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer

you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be.

You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick

connection with a stranger.

***

Technique #28

Comm-YOU-nication

•Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your

listeners attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the

pride button and saves them having to translate it into me terms.

***

Technique #29

The Exclusive Smile

•If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses

value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let

your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face.

***

Technique #30

Don’t Touch a ClichE with a Ten-Foot Pole

•Be on guard. Don’t use any cliches when chatting with big winners.

Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell

freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob.

***

Technique #31

Use Jawsmiths Jive

•Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind

the barbecue grill facing your family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with

the same skills.

***

Technique #32

Call a Spade a Spade

•Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean

big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five and six letter

ones exist. They’ve simply learned the Kings English, and they speak

it.

***

Technique #33

Trash the Teasing

•A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An

innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh.

Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you’ll bang your

head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping

on their paws.

Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You’ll wind up paying

for it, dearly.

***

Technique #34

Its the Receivers Ball

•A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made

blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind.

Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver

it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the

news, but how the receiver will take it.

***

Technique #35

The Broken Record

•Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome

subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words

in precisely the same tone of voice.

***

Technique #36

Big Shots Don’t Slobber

•People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber over celebrities.

When you are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say

how much pleasure or insight its given you.

***

Technique #37

Never the Naked Thank You

•Never let the phrase thank you stand alone. From A to Z, always follow

it with for: from Thank you for asking to Thank you for zipping me up.

***

Technique #38

Scramble Therapy

•Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream of

doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on

something totally out of your experience.

***

Technique #39

Learn a Little Jobbledygook

•Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is

Jobbledygook? Its the language of other professions.

Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider.

***

Technique #40

Baring Their Hot Button

•Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of

dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has

burning concerns the outside world knows little about.

***

Technique #41

Read Their Rags

•Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are

you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists or

anything in between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines

serving every imaginable interest.

***

Technique #42

Clear Customs

•Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on dos and taboos

around the world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or

even compliment anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum

up your entire gig.

***

Technique #43

Bluffing for Bargains

•The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in

contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when

you know how to deal.

***

Technique #44

Be a Copy class

•Watch people. Look at the way they move. Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you.

***

Technique #45

Echoing

•Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop.

Listen to the speakers arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions,

Adjectives and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth

creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their

attitudes, their interests, their experiences.

***

Technique #46

Potent Imaging

Evoke your listeners interests or lifestyle and weave images around it.

To give your points more power and punch, use analogies from your

listeners world, not your own.

***

Technique #47

Employ Empathizers

•Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show

your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like I see what you

mean. Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like That’s a lovely thing to say.

***

Technique #48

Anatomically Correct Empathizers

•For visual people, use visual empathizers to make them think you see

the world the way they do. For auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to

make them think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, use

kinesthetic empathizers to make them think you feel the same way they do.

***

Technique #49

The Premature We

Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just

moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping

conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four.

Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our.

***

Technique #50

Instant History

•When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a stranger, search for

some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a

few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the

two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an

Instant History.

***

Technique #51

Grapevine Glory

•A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A

priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend.

This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing,

bootlicking, egg-sucking, bac scratching sycophant trying to win

brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you

are telling the whole world about their greatness.

***

Technique #52

Carrier Pigeon Kudos

•People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves into

carrier pigeons when there’s bad news. (Its called gossip.) Instead, become a

carrier of good news and kudos.

***

Technique #53

Implied Magnificence

•Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose

something positive about the person your talking with. But be careful.

Don’t blow it like the well-intentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy

who, at the prom, thought he was flattering his date when he told her, Gosh,

Mary Lou, for a fat gal you dance real good.

***

Technique #54

Accidental Adulation

•Become an undercover complementor. Stealthily sneak praise into the

parenthetical part of your sentence.

***

Technique #55

Killer Compliment

•Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to make part of your

professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and

unique quality he or she has.

At the end of the conversation, look the individual right in the eye. Say

his or her name and proceed to curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment.

•Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipient in private.

•Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible.

•Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half year on each recipient.

***

Technique #56

Little Strokes

•Don’t make your colleagues, your friends, your loved ones look at you

and silently say, Haven’t I been pretty good today? Let them know how

much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like

Nice job! Well done! Cool!

***

Technique #57

The Knee-Jerk Wow!

•Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment they a finish a

feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction say, You were terrific!

***

Technique #58

Boomeranging

•Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let compliments

boomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur

something that expresses That’s very kind of you.

***

Technique #59

The Tombstone Game

•Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on

their tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don’t mention it again.

Then, when the moment is right to say I appreciate you or I love you, fill

the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier.

***

Technique #60

Talking Gestures

•Think of yourself as the star of a personal radio drama every time you

pick up the phone. If you want to come across as engaging as you are, you

must turn your smiles into sound, your nods into noise, and all your

gestures into something your listener can hear.

***

Technique #61

Name Shower

•People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the

phone than you would in person to keep their attention. Your callers name

re-creates the eye contact, the caress, you might give in person.

***

Technique #62

•Oh Wow, Its You!

•Don’t answer the phone with an I’m just sooo happy all the time attitude.

Answer warmly, crisply, and professionally. Then, after you hear who is

calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill over

into your voice.

***

Technique #63

The Sneaky Screen

•If you must screen your calls, instruct your staff to first say cheerfully,

Oh yes, Ill put you right through. May I tell her who’s calling? If the party

has already identified himself, its Oh of course, Mr. Whoozit. Ill put you

right through.

***

Technique #64

Salute the Spouse

•Whenever you are calling someone’s home, always identify and greet the

person who answers. Whenever you call someone’s office more than once or

twice, make friends with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough to

answer the phone is close enough to sway the VIPs opinion of you.

***

Technique #65

What Color Is Your Time?

•No matter how urgent you think your call, always begin by asking the

person about timing. Either use the What Color Is Your Time? device or

simply ask, Is this a convenient time for you to talk?

***

Technique #66

Constantly Changing Outgoing Message

•If you want to be perceived as conscientious and reliable, leave a short,

professional, and friendly greeting as your outgoing message.

***

Technique #67

Your Ten-Second Audition

•While dialing, clear your throat. If an answering machine picks up,

pretend the beep is a big Broadway producer saying Nexxxt. Now you’re on.

This is Your Ten-Second Audition to prove you are worthy of a quick

callback.

***

Technique #68

The Ho-Hum Caper

•Instead of using your party’s name, casually let the pronoun he or she

roll off your tongue. Forget Uh, may I speak to Ms. Bigshot please? Just

announce, Hi, Bob Smith here, is she in? Tossing the familiar she off your

tongue signals to the secretary that you and her boss are old buddies.

***

Technique #69

I Hear Your Other Line

•When you hear a phone in the background, stop speaking in

midsentence, if necessary and say I hear your other line, (or your dog

barking, your baby crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has to

attend to it. Whether she does or not, shell know you’re a top communicator

for asking.

***

Technique #70

Instant Replay

•Record all your business conversations and listen to them again. The

second or third time, you pick up on significant subtleties you missed the

first time. Its like football fans who often don’t know if there was a fumble

until they see it all over again in Instant Replay.

***

Technique #71

Munching or Mingling

•Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not expect to do both. Like a

good politician, chow down before you come.

***

Technique #72

Rubberneck the Room

•When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway.

Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth

like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.

***

Technique #73

Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee

•The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who

will transform your future may not be at the party. However, someday,

somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big

event.

***

Technique #74

Come-Hither Hands

•Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When standing at a

gathering, arrange your body in an open position especially your arms and

hands. People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists

seductively arranged in the come hither position. They shy away from

knuckles in the get lost or Ill punch you position. Use your wrists and palms

to say I have nothing to hide, I accept you and what you’re saying, or I find

you sexy.

***

Technique #75

Tracking

•Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your

conversation partners lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major

news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy.

***

Technique #76

The Business Card Dossier

•Right after you’ve talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On

the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the

conversation.

***

Technique #77

Eyeball Selling

•The human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station that

transmits You thrill me. You bore me. I love that aspect of your product.

That one puts my feet to sleep.

***

Technique #78

See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers

•Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and

loved ones the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and

embarrassing biological functions.

***

Technique #79

Lend a Helping Tongue

•Whenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, Now please get back to your story.

***

Technique #80

Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY)

•Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge the respective

benefits. Reveal what’s in it for you and what’s in it for the other person even if its zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox.

***

Technique #81

Let Em Savor the Favor

•Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your generous buddy time to

relish the joy of his or her beneficence before you make them pay the piper.

***

Technique #82

Tit for (Wait . . . Wait) Tat

•When you do someone a favor and its obvious that he owes you one,

wait a suitable amount of time before asking him to pay. Let him enjoy the

fact (or fiction) that you did it out of friendship. Don’t call in your tit for

their tat too swiftly.

***

Technique #83

Parties Are for Pratter

•There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even the

toughest tiger knows he must not attack. The first of these is parties.

***

Technique #84

Dinners for Dining

•The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining

table. Breaking bread together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant

matters.

***

Technique #85

Chance Encounters Are for Chitchat

•If you’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with

someone, do NOT capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your

mistaken meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into your swan

song with Big Winner.

***

Technique #86

Empty Their Tanks

•If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait

patiently until their needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and

splashes on the cement. Its the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas.

***

Technique #87

Echo the Emo

•Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people

about an emotional situation, let them emote. Hear their facts but empathize

like mad with their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only way to

calm their emotional storm.

***

Technique #88

My Goof, Your Gain

•Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim benefits. Its not

enough to correct your mistake. Ask yourself, What could I do for this

suffering soul so he or she will be delighted I made the flub? Then do it, fast! In that way, your goof will become your gain.

***

Technique #89

Leave an Escape Hatch

•Whenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, or

deceiving, don’t confront the dirty duck directly.

***

Teechnique #90

Buttercups for Their Boss

•Do you have a store clerk, accountant, law firm junior partner, tailor,

auto mechanic, massage therapist, kids teacher or any other

worker you want special attention from in the future? The surefire way to

make them care enough to give you their very best is send a buttercup to

their boss.

***

Technique #91

•No matter how prominent the big cat behind the podium is, crouched

inside is a little scaredy-cat who is anxious about the crowds acceptance.

•Big winners recognize you’re a fellow big winner when they see you

leading their listeners in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud or

publicly commend the man or woman you agree with.

***

Technique #92

The Great Scorecard in the Sky

•Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their heads.

The numbers continually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player with lower

score pays deference to player with higher score. The penalty for not

keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of

the game. Permanently.

***

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