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UNTANGLING SHAME, GUILT, HUMILIATION, AND EMBARRASSMENT
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.
When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.
When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force.
Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.
Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.
In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the
solution.
Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. 💖
When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.
Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.”
Humiliation feels terrible and makes for a miserable work or home environment—and if it’s ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is, however, still better than shame.
The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don’t feel alone. We know other folks have done the same thing and, like a blush, it will pass rather than define us.
Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is part of the first element of what I call shame resilience.
