brene Brown – Page 2

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p7

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UNTANGLING SHAME, GUILT, HUMILIATION, AND EMBARRASSMENT

Guilt = I did something bad.

Shame = I am bad.

When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.

When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force.

Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.

Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.

In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the
solution.
Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. 💖

When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.

Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.”

Humiliation feels terrible and makes for a miserable work or home environment—and if it’s ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is, however, still better than shame.

The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don’t feel alone. We know other folks have done the same thing and, like a blush, it will pass rather than define us.

Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is part of the first element of what I call shame resilience.

Achieve growth

Book Summary: Daring Greatly p6

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CHAPTER 3
UNDERSTANDING AND COMBATING SHAME
(AKA, GREMLIN NINJA WARRIOR TRAINING)

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists.

We have to be vulnerable if we want more courage; if we want to dare greatly.

It’s the epitome of daring greatly. But because of how you were raised or how you approach the world, you’ve knowingly or unknowingly attached your self-worth to how your product or art is received. In simple terms, if they love it, you’re worthy; if they don’t, you’re worthless.

If you’re wondering what happens if you attach your self-worth to your art or your product and people love it, let me answer that from personal and professional experience. You’re in even deeper trouble. Everything shame needs to hijack and control your life is in place. You’ve handed over your self-worth to what people think. You’re officially a prisoner of “pleasing, performing, and perfecting.”

When our self-worth isn’t on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.

A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful, and afraid.

The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there.

☣️ Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation. ☣️

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.

WHAT IS SHAME AND WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT IT?

the first three things that you need to know about shame:

We all have it.
We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.

Twelve “shame categories” have emerged from my research:

Appearance and body image
Money and work
Motherhood/fatherhood
Family

Parenting
Mental and physical health
Addiction
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving trauma
Being stereotyped or labeled

Neuroscience advances confirm what we’ve known all along: Emotions can hurt and cause pain.

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Book Summary: Daring Greatly p5

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Chapter 2 (continued)

The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.

In the song “Hallelujah,” Leonard Cohen writes, “Love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.” Love is a form of vulnerability and if you replace the word love with vulnerability in that line,
it’s just as true.

MYTH #2: “I DON’T DO VULNERABILITY”

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L’Engle

MYTH #3: VULNERABILITY IS LETTING IT

Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust.

Vulnerability is about
sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.

We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.

With children, actions speak louder than words. Because they can’t articulate how they feel about our disengagement when we stop making an effort with them, they show us by acting out, thinking, This will get their attention.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.

MYTH #4: WE CAN GO IT ALONE

Going it alone is a value we hold in high esteem in our culture, ironically even when it comes to cultivating connection. I have that rugged individualism in my DNA.

Most of us are good at giving help, but when it comes to vulnerability, we need to ask for help too.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help. We all need help. 🤗

Vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious.

Going back to Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena” speech, I also learned that the people who love me, the people I really depend on, were never the critics who were pointing at me while I stumbled.

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.

Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support. 🌹

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Book Summary: Daring Greatly p4

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Daring Greatly

CHAPTER 2
DEBUNKING THE VULNERABILITY MYTHS

There’s no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to
emotional exposure equals weakness.

MYTH #1: “VULNERABILITY IS WEAKNESS.”

The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous.

We’ve come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind
vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism.

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. 💔

To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation—that’s also vulnerability.

we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities.

The research taught me that the best place to start is with defining, recognizing, and understanding vulnerability.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.

We are totally exposed when we are vulnerable.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word vulnerability is derived from the Latin word vulnerare, meaning “to wound.” The definition includes “capable of being wounded” and “open to attack or damage.” Merriam-Webster defines weakness as the inability to withstand attack or wounding.

“Far from being an effective shield, the illusion of invulnerability undermines the very response that would have supplied genuine protection.”

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Book Summary: Daring Greatly p3

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DARING GREATLY

CHAPTER 1
SCARCITY: LOOKING INSIDE OUR CULTURE OF “NEVER ENOUGH”

YOU can’t swing a cat without hitting a narcissist.”

It doesn’t matter if I’m talking to teachers, parents, CEOs, or my neighbors, the response is the same: These egomaniacs need to know that they’re not special, they’re not that great, they’re not entitled to jack, and they need to get over themselves. No one cares.

LOOKING AT NARCISSISM THROUGH THE LENS OF VULNERABILITY

Diagnosing and labeling people whose struggles are more environmental or learned than genetic or organic is often far more detrimental to healing and change than it is helpful.

when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary.

I am only as good as the number of “likes” I get on Facebook or Instagram. Because we are all vulnerable to the messaging that drives these behaviors.

I know how seductive it is to use the celebrity culture yardstick to measure the smallness of our lives.

SCARCITY: THE NEVER-ENOUGH PROBLEM

Lynne Twist, In The Soul of Money, refers to scarcity as “the great lie.” She writes: For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.”

Scarcity is the “never enough” problem.

Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: “Remember when…? Those were the days…”

THE SOURCE OF SCARCITY

Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress.

I found the same dynamics playing out in family culture, work culture, school culture,
and community culture. And they all share the same formula of shame, comparison, and disengagement.

Shame: Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and/or to keep people in line? Is self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance?
Comparison: Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt or covert comparing and ranking?
Disengagement: Are people afraid to take risks or try new things? Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas?

The counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance. In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of “never enough” isn’t abundance or “more than you could ever imagine.”

The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness.

The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability
to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

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Book Summary: Daring Greatly P2

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DARING GREATLY

INTRODUCTION

In The Gifts of Imperfection, I defined ten “guideposts” for Wholehearted living that point to what the Wholehearted work to cultivate and what they work to let go of:

Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To”
Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of
worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to
wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much
is left undone, I am enough.

Fundamental ideals:

Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children.
Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.
A strong belief in our worthiness doesn’t just happen—it’s cultivated
The main concern of Wholehearted men and women is living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection.
The Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection.

Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time.

Perfection doesn’t
exist, and I’ve found that what makes children happy doesn’t always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults.

What we know matters, but who we are matters more.

The first step of that journey (to dare greatly, to be vulnerable) is understanding where we are, what we’re up against, and where we need to go.

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Daring Greatly: Summary 17.9.21

* What it means to Dare Greatly

* My adventure in the arena

* Scarcity: looking inside our culture of “never enough”

* Debunking the vulnerability myths

* Understanding and combating shame

* The vulnerability armory

* Mind Tue gap: cultivating change and closing the disengagement divide

* Disruptive engagement: daring to dehumanize education and work

* wholehearted parenting: daring to be adults we want our children to be

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