brene Brown – madin118

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DARING GREATLY:
APPRECIATING THE BEAUTY OF CRACKS

when it comes to hiding our flaws, managing perception, and wanting to win over folks, we’re all hustling a little. For some folks, perfectionism may only emerge when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable.

For others, perfectionism is compulsive, chronic, and debilitating—it looks and feels like an addiction.

Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience —something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “overidentify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.

For me, it’s so easy to get stuck in regret or shame or self-criticism when I make a mistake.
But self-compassion requires an observant and accurate perspective when feeling shame or pain.

In addition to practicing self-compassion (and trust me, like gratitude and everything else worthwhile, it’s a practice), we must also remember that our worthiness, that core belief that we are enough, comes only when we live inside our story.

Perfectionism is exhausting because hustling is exhausting. It’s a never-ending performance.

“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” A twenty-minute walk that I do is better than the four-mile
run that I don’t do. The imperfect book that gets published is better than the perfect book that never leaves my computer. The dinner party of take-out Chinese food is better than the elegant dinner that I never host.

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DARING GREATLY: PRACTICING GRATITUDE

Gratitude emerged from the data as the antidote to foreboding joy. In fact, every participant who spoke about the ability to stay open to joy also talked about the importance of practicing gratitude. This pattern of association was so thoroughly prevalent in the data that I made a commitment as a researcher not to talk about joy without talking about gratitude.

Participants described happiness as an emotion that’s connected to circumstances, and they described joy as a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude.

Scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that there won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult.

I learned the most about gratitude practices and the relationship between scarcity and joy that plays out in vulnerability from the men and women who had experienced some of the most profound losses or survived the greatest traumas.

Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.

Scarcity culture may keep us afraid of living small, ordinary lives, but when you talk to people who have survived great losses, it is clear that joy is not a constant.

Be grateful for what you have. 🌹

Don’t take what you have for granted— celebrate it. Don’t apologize for what you have. Be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others.

When you honor what you have, you’re honoring what I’ve lost.

Don’t squander joy. 🙂

We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.

THE SHIELD: PERFECTIONISM

The most valuable and important things in my life came to me when I cultivated the courage to be vulnerable, imperfect, and self-compassionate. Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it’s the hazardous detour. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.

Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.

Healthy striving is self- focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused:
What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle. Perfectionism is not the key to success.

Perfectionism is correlated with
depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. Where we struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with shame.

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame. Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because perfection doesn’t exist.

Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgment, and blame, which then leads to even more shame and self-blame: “It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.”

🦋🦋 Dare 🦋🦋

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THE VULNERABILITY

THE word persona is the Greek term for “stage mask.” In my work masks and armor are perfect metaphors for how we protect ourselves from the discomfort of vulnerability. Masks make us feel safer even when they become suffocating.

Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.

Common vulnerability arsenal:

Foreboding joy: the paradoxical dread that clamps down on momentary joyfulness;

Perfectionism: believing that doing everything perfectly means you’ll never feel shame;

Numbing: the embrace of whatever deadens the pain of discomfort and pain.

THE COMMON VULNERABILITY SHIELDS

THE SHIELD: FOREBODING JOY

Joy is probably the most difficult emotion to really feel. 😎 Because when we lose the ability or willingness to be vulnerable, joy becomes something we approach with deep foreboding. We just know that we crave more joy in our lives, that we are joy starved.

What the perpetual-disappointment folks describe is this: “It’s easier to live disappointed than it is to feel disappointed. It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of disappointment than to just set up camp there. You sacrifice joy, but you suffer less pain.”

Softening into the joyful moments of our lives requires vulnerability.

Once we make the connection between vulnerability and joy, the answer is pretty straightforward: We’re trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don’t want to be blindsided by hurt. We don’t want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment.

We’re desperate for more joy, but at the same time we can’t tolerate the vulnerability.

We’re visual people. We trust, consume, and mentally store what we see. 👀

💐🌷🌹🌸🌺 Dare 💐🌷🌹🌸🌺

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research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing.

If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.

children who are engaging in the bullying behaviors or vying for social ranking by putting down others have parents who engage in the same behaviors.

Cultivating intimacy—physical or emotional—is almost impossible when our shame triggers meet head-on and create the perfect shame storm.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 💖💖💖

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged and healed.

But in practicing self-love over the past couple of years, I can say that it has immeasurably deepened my relationships with the people I love.

Shame is universal, but the messages and expectations that drive shame are organized by gender.

The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people.

If we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

💖🌹 Dare 🌹💖

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HOW MEN EXPERIENCE SHAME

Men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.

For men, every rule comes back to the same mandate: “Don’t be weak.”

“CAUTION: Do Not Be Perceived as Weak.” I see how boys are issued a crate when they’re born. It’s not too crowded when they’re toddlers. They’re still small and can move around a bit. They can cry and hold on to mamma, but as they grow older, there’s less and less wiggle room. By the time they’re grown men, it’s suffocating.

As scarcity has grabbed hold of our culture, it’s not just “Don’t be perceived as weak,” but also “You better
be great and all powerful.”

men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.

Joe Reynolds: “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”

Covert shame hurts just as much as overt shame.

I don’t want to oversimplify something as complex as the response to shame, but I have to say that when it comes to men, there seem to be two primary responses: pissed off or shut down.

Of course, like women, as men develop shame resilience, this changes, and men learn to respond to shame with awareness, self-compassion, and empathy. But without that awareness, when men feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness, they normally respond with anger and/or by completely turning off.

Many men, in fact, use very physiological descriptions when they talk to me about “pissed off or
shut down.” It’s almost as if shame, criticism, and ridicule are physically intolerable.

Shame resilience is about finding a middle path, an option that allows us to stay engaged and
to find the emotional courage we need to respond in a way that aligns with our values.

We are hard on others because we’re hard on ourselves. That’s exactly how judgment works. Finding someone to put down, judge, or criticize becomes a way to get out of the web or call attention away from our box. If you’re doing worse than I am at something, I think, my chances of surviving are better.

The big rule in lifeguarding is to utilize any means possible before you actually jump in and try to pull someone out of the water. Even though you’re a strong swimmer and the person you’re trying to help is half your size, a desperate person will do anything to save themselves—to grab a breath—including drowning you in their effort to survive. The same is true for women and the shame web. We’re so desperate to get out and stay out of shame that we’re constantly serving up the people around us as more deserving prey.

research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks
who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance.

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WEBS AND BOXES:

HOW MEN AND WOMEN EXPERIENCE SHAME DIFFERENTLY

Men and women are equally affected by shame. The messages and expectations that fuel shame are most definitely organized by gender, but the experience of shame is universal and deeply human.

WOMEN AND THE SHAME WEB

Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming.

Being exposed—the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.

No matter what I achieve or how far I’ve come, where I come from and what I’ve survived will always keep me from feeling like I’m good enough.
Even though everyone knows that there’s no way to do it all, everyone still expects it. Shame is when you can’t pull off looking like it’s under control.
Never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed.
Never enough with my parents. Shame is never enough.
No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.

If you recall the twelve shame categories (appearance and body image, money and work, motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging, religion, surviving trauma, and being stereotyped or labeled), the primary trigger for women, in terms of its power
and universality, is the first one: how we look.

Interestingly, in terms of shame triggers for women, motherhood is a close second. And (bonus!) you don’t have to be a mother to experience mother shame. Society views womanhood and motherhood as inextricably bound; therefore our value as women is often determined by where we are in relation to our roles as mothers or potential mothers. Mother shame is ubiquitous—it’s a birthright for girls and women.

Think about how much money has been made selling products that promise “the natural look.”

When I think of my own efforts to be everything to everyone—something that women are socialized to do—I can see how every move I make just ensnares me even more. Every effort to twist my way out of the web just leads to becoming more stuck. That’s because every choice has consequences or leads to someone being disappointed.

Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings, but say what’s on your mind. Don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.

😞😞😞

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UNTANGLING SHAME, GUILT, HUMILIATION, AND EMBARRASSMENT

Guilt = I did something bad.

Shame = I am bad.

When we feel shame, we are most likely to protect ourselves by blaming something or someone, rationalizing our lapse, offering a disingenuous apology, or hiding out.

When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force.

Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.

Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.

In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the
solution.
Again, it is human nature to want to feel worthy of love and belonging. 💖

When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.

Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein captures the difference between shame and humiliation when he writes, “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.”

Humiliation feels terrible and makes for a miserable work or home environment—and if it’s ongoing, it can certainly become shame if we start to buy into the messaging. It is, however, still better than shame.

The hallmark of embarrassment is that when we do something embarrassing, we don’t feel alone. We know other folks have done the same thing and, like a blush, it will pass rather than define us.

Getting familiar with the language is an important start to understanding shame. It is part of the first element of what I call shame resilience.

Achieve growth

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CHAPTER 3
UNDERSTANDING AND COMBATING SHAME
(AKA, GREMLIN NINJA WARRIOR TRAINING)

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists.

We have to be vulnerable if we want more courage; if we want to dare greatly.

It’s the epitome of daring greatly. But because of how you were raised or how you approach the world, you’ve knowingly or unknowingly attached your self-worth to how your product or art is received. In simple terms, if they love it, you’re worthy; if they don’t, you’re worthless.

If you’re wondering what happens if you attach your self-worth to your art or your product and people love it, let me answer that from personal and professional experience. You’re in even deeper trouble. Everything shame needs to hijack and control your life is in place. You’ve handed over your self-worth to what people think. You’re officially a prisoner of “pleasing, performing, and perfecting.”

When our self-worth isn’t on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.

A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful, and afraid.

The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there.

☣️ Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation. ☣️

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.

WHAT IS SHAME AND WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT IT?

the first three things that you need to know about shame:

We all have it.
We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.

Twelve “shame categories” have emerged from my research:

Appearance and body image
Money and work
Motherhood/fatherhood
Family

Parenting
Mental and physical health
Addiction
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving trauma
Being stereotyped or labeled

Neuroscience advances confirm what we’ve known all along: Emotions can hurt and cause pain.

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Chapter 2 (continued)

The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.

In the song “Hallelujah,” Leonard Cohen writes, “Love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.” Love is a form of vulnerability and if you replace the word love with vulnerability in that line,
it’s just as true.

MYTH #2: “I DON’T DO VULNERABILITY”

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L’Engle

MYTH #3: VULNERABILITY IS LETTING IT

Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust.

Vulnerability is about
sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process.

We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.

When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.

With children, actions speak louder than words. Because they can’t articulate how they feel about our disengagement when we stop making an effort with them, they show us by acting out, thinking, This will get their attention.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.

MYTH #4: WE CAN GO IT ALONE

Going it alone is a value we hold in high esteem in our culture, ironically even when it comes to cultivating connection. I have that rugged individualism in my DNA.

Most of us are good at giving help, but when it comes to vulnerability, we need to ask for help too.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help. We all need help. 🤗

Vulnerability begets vulnerability; courage is contagious.

Going back to Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena” speech, I also learned that the people who love me, the people I really depend on, were never the critics who were pointing at me while I stumbled.

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.

Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support. 🌹

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Daring Greatly

CHAPTER 2
DEBUNKING THE VULNERABILITY MYTHS

There’s no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to
emotional exposure equals weakness.

MYTH #1: “VULNERABILITY IS WEAKNESS.”

The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous.

We’ve come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind
vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism.

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. 💔

To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation—that’s also vulnerability.

we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities.

The research taught me that the best place to start is with defining, recognizing, and understanding vulnerability.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.

We are totally exposed when we are vulnerable.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word vulnerability is derived from the Latin word vulnerare, meaning “to wound.” The definition includes “capable of being wounded” and “open to attack or damage.” Merriam-Webster defines weakness as the inability to withstand attack or wounding.

“Far from being an effective shield, the illusion of invulnerability undermines the very response that would have supplied genuine protection.”

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