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CHAPTER 3
UNDERSTANDING AND COMBATING SHAME
(AKA, GREMLIN NINJA WARRIOR TRAINING)
Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists.
We have to be vulnerable if we want more courage; if we want to dare greatly.
It’s the epitome of daring greatly. But because of how you were raised or how you approach the world, you’ve knowingly or unknowingly attached your self-worth to how your product or art is received. In simple terms, if they love it, you’re worthy; if they don’t, you’re worthless.
If you’re wondering what happens if you attach your self-worth to your art or your product and people love it, let me answer that from personal and professional experience. You’re in even deeper trouble. Everything shame needs to hijack and control your life is in place. You’ve handed over your self-worth to what people think. You’re officially a prisoner of “pleasing, performing, and perfecting.”
When our self-worth isn’t on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.
A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful, and afraid.
The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there.
☣️ Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation. ☣️
Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.
WHAT IS SHAME AND WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT IT?
the first three things that you need to know about shame:
- We all have it.
- We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
- The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.
shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.
Twelve “shame categories” have emerged from my research:
Appearance and body image
Money and work
Motherhood/fatherhood
Family
Parenting
Mental and physical health
Addiction
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving trauma
Being stereotyped or labeled
Neuroscience advances confirm what we’ve known all along: Emotions can hurt and cause pain.
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