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Part 5 – Letters That Produced Miraculous Results
Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
Let me repeat: the principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.
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22 – Asking the person to forgive the one who wronged him.
23 – Reminding a person of the good qualities of the one whom he has wronged, so that he will regret what he has done and will apologize.
24 – Intervening to calm people down and put a stop to the fitnah (discord) between those who are making mistakes.
25 – Showing one’s anger about a mistake. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw or heard about a mistake, he would show his anger, especially if it had to do with matters of belief (‘aqeedah).
26 – Turning away from the one who has made a mistake, and avoiding argument with him, in the hope that he may come back to the right way.
27 – Rebuking the one who has made a mistake.
1 – The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) rebuked the Sahaabi who had make a serious mistake by asking him, “What made you do that?”
2 – Enquiring as to the reason that motivated him to make the mistake undoubtedly has an effect on the way in which he is treated.
3 – Those who have an excellent track record are not immune from committing major sins.
4 – The educator must be open-minded in dealing with his companions’ mistakes so that they continue progressing on the straight path. The aim is to reform them, not alienate them.
5 – The educator must appreciate the moments of human weakness that may overcome some of those who are with him, and he should not be shocked by a serious mistake on the part of one who is advanced or senior.
6 – Defending one who deserves to be defended even though he has made a mistake.
7 – If a person who makes a mistake has a great deal of good works to his credit, this should be taken into account when evaluating the level of his mistake and dealing with it.
16 – Avoiding helping the Shaytaan against the one who is making a mistake.
17 – Asking the person to stop doing the wrong action. It is very important to make the person stop the wrong deed so that it does not get any worse and so that there is no delay in the denunciation of evil.
18 – Explaining to the person who is making a mistake how to put things right.
– Drawing an individual’s attention to his mistake so that he could put it right himself.
– Asking the person to do something again, correctly, if this is possible.
Among the qualities of the educator is that he should be aware of the actions of those who are with him.
1. It is a part of educational wisdom to ask a person who has made a mistake to re-do his action.
2. If the person who has made a mistake does not realize it, it must be pointed out and explained to him.
3. Giving information to a person who is interested and has asked about it himself is more effective and is more likely to be remembered.
19 – Denouncing only the mistake whilst accepting the rest.
20 – Restoring rights and preserving positions.
It is very important to maintain a person’s position after he has repented from his mistake and set matters straight, so that he will remain on the right path and live a normal life among people.
21 – Addressing both parties in cases where the blame is shared.
22 – Asking the person to forgive the one who wronged him.
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6 – How To Spur People On To Success
Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
The psychologist Jess Lair comments: “Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.
Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
7 – Give A Dog A Good Name
“The average person,” said Samuel Vauclain, “can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
Shakespeare said “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”
8 – Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct
9 – Making People Glad To Do What You Want
One of the important rules of human relations: Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
In A Nutshell Be A Leader
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Part Four – Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1 – If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killer.
2 – How To Criticize-And Not Be Hated For It
3 – Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
other person.
4 – No One Likes To Take Orders
Encourage cooperation instead of rebellion.
Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time; even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
An effective leader will use …
5 – Let the Other Person save Face
Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
A real leader will always follow …
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Allah [may He be Glorified] said: “You [true believers in Islâmic Monotheism, and real followers of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)) and his Sunnah] are the best of peoples ever raised up for mankind; you enjoin Al-Ma’rûf (i.e. Islâmic Monotheism and all that Islâm has ordained) and forbid Al-Munkar (polytheism, disbelief and all that Islâm has forbidden), and you believe in Allâh. And had the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) believed, it would have been better for them; among them are some who have faith, but most of them are Al-Fâsiqûn (disobedient to Allâh – and rebellious against His Command). ” (3:110)
Commentary:
A. In the first part of this verse Allah praises the Ummah of Muhammad (peace be upon him), the Ummahwhich answered the call of Allah. He describes it as the best Ummah ever raised for mankind. They are beneficial to all people in giving advice, in their sincere love for goodness, in their efforts for calling, teaching, and guiding people, and in enjoining good and forbidding evil.
They deserve this description in return for the good deeds they performed and their holding of the following qualities:
1. The perfection of their faith, which requires the performance of all that which Allah commands.
2. Trying to perfect and complete the faith of others by enjoining them to do good and forbidding them from doing evil. They also invite people to the way of Allah and strive hard to keep them on the proper way and keep them away from deviation.
Second: The last portion of the verse stated that only a few among the People of the Book adopted Islam, while the majority of them were evil persons who disobeyed Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him) and fought against the believers. Had they believed, it would have been better for them.
See Tafsir Ibn Sa’di, p. 112 (Al-Luwaihiq Edition).
Source: QuranComplex
1- Hastening to deal with people’s mistakes and not putting it off.
2 – Dealing with mistakes by explaining the ruling (hukm).
3 – Referring people back to Islam when they make mistakes, and pointing out to them the principle that they are breaking.
4 – Correcting misconceptions that are due to something not being clear in people’s minds.
Mistakes generally come about as a result of misconceptions; if the ideas are put right, mistakes will decrease.
5 – Dealing with mistakes by repeatedly reminding people to fear Allaah.
6 – Showing compassion to the one who is making a mistake.
7- Not hastening to tell someone he is wrong.
A person who is seeking knowledge should not be too hasty to condemn any opinion that differs from that with which he is familiar.
8 – Remaining calm when dealing with people’s mistakes – especially when being too harsh could make matters worse and do more harm than good.
a. We should be gentle when dealing with one who is ignorant and teach him what he needs to know without rebuking him.
b. We should, also, hasten to remove anything objectionable when there is nothing to stop us from doing so.
9 – Explaining the seriousness of the mistake.
10 – Explaining the harmful effects of the mistake.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) explained that exaggeration when praising someone is a mistake which can have bad consequences.
11 – Practical teaching of the one who is making a mistake.
12 – Offering a sound alternative.
13 – Guiding people to that which will prevent them from making mistakes.
14 – Not confronting people directly with their mistakes and addressing the issue in general terms may be sufficient. the benefits:
a. It avoids a negative reaction on the part of the person who has made the mistake, and prevents him from being tempted by the Shaytaan to avenge himself or defend himself.
b. It is more acceptable to people and is more effective.
c. It conceals the person’s mistake in front of other people.
d. It increases the status of the educator and makes the advisor more beloved.
15 – Provoking public opinion against the one who has made the mistake.
This method is only to be used in very limited circumstances, when a great deal of thought has been given to the matter, to avoid any negative escalation of the situation.
Allah [may He be Glorified] said: “Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islâm), enjoining Al-Ma’rûf (i.e. Islâmic Monotheism and all that Islâm orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism, disbelief and all that Islâm has forbidden). And it is they who are the successful” (3:104).
Commentary:
Allah commands the believers to take the most powerful means with which they can establish their religion on a strong basis. This can be achieved if a group among them assumes the collective obligation of:
– “Inviting to all that is good” i.e., the religion with its principles, branches and legislations.
– “Enjoining Al-Ma’rûf” i.e., all that is known to be good from the point of view of religion and reason.
– “Forbidding Al-Munkar” i.e., all that is known to be bad from the point of view of religion and reason.
– “And it is they who are the successful” i.e., those who are fully aware of their duties and who save themselves from all that causes fear.
This group of people includes scholars, seekers of knowledge, the public and private preachers and theMuhtasibs (public inspectors) who compel people to perform prayer, pay the Zakah, abide by the Religious legislations and forbid them from doing evil. So, anyone who invites people to goodness or gives advice, either in public or in private is included in this verse.
See Tafsir Ibn Sa’di, p. 112 (Al-Luwaihiq Edition)
Source: QuranComplex
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7 – How To Get Cooperation
– No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold some-thing or told to do a thing.
– A chinese proverb: ” The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
• Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8 – A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You
– Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
– Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg commented: “Cooperativeeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
– Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.
• Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9 – What Everybody Wants
– Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
– if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put in practice.
• Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10 – An Appeal That Everybody Likes
– In order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
• Principle 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.
11 – The Movies Do It. Tv Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?
– This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.
• Principle 11 – Dramatize your ideas.
12 – When Nothing Else Works, Try This
– “All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory” was the motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece.
– That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.
• Principle 12 – Throw down a challenge.
In A Nutshell – Win People To Your Way Of Thinking
• Principle 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• Principle 2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
• Principle 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
• Principle 4 – Begin in a friendly way.
• Principle 5 – Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
• Principle 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
• Principle 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
• Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Principle 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
• Principle 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.
• Principle 11 – Dramatize your ideas.
• Principle 12 – Throw down a challenge.
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