Month: December 2023

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WEBS AND BOXES:

HOW MEN AND WOMEN EXPERIENCE SHAME DIFFERENTLY

Men and women are equally affected by shame. The messages and expectations that fuel shame are most definitely organized by gender, but the experience of shame is universal and deeply human.

WOMEN AND THE SHAME WEB

Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming.

Being exposed—the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.

No matter what I achieve or how far I’ve come, where I come from and what I’ve survived will always keep me from feeling like I’m good enough.
Even though everyone knows that there’s no way to do it all, everyone still expects it. Shame is when you can’t pull off looking like it’s under control.
Never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed.
Never enough with my parents. Shame is never enough.
No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.

If you recall the twelve shame categories (appearance and body image, money and work, motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging, religion, surviving trauma, and being stereotyped or labeled), the primary trigger for women, in terms of its power
and universality, is the first one: how we look.

Interestingly, in terms of shame triggers for women, motherhood is a close second. And (bonus!) you don’t have to be a mother to experience mother shame. Society views womanhood and motherhood as inextricably bound; therefore our value as women is often determined by where we are in relation to our roles as mothers or potential mothers. Mother shame is ubiquitous—it’s a birthright for girls and women.

Think about how much money has been made selling products that promise “the natural look.”

When I think of my own efforts to be everything to everyone—something that women are socialized to do—I can see how every move I make just ensnares me even more. Every effort to twist my way out of the web just leads to becoming more stuck. That’s because every choice has consequences or leads to someone being disappointed.

Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings, but say what’s on your mind. Don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.

😞😞😞